ahazi john

Sunday, March 17, 2013

mwananchi leo march 18 2013

Chaguo Letu Leo

Biashara ya kuuza watoto yamponza

Uhuru Kenyatta kupingwa leo

Serikali yatakiwa kufanya uchunguzi wa kina vyeti

Rais aonja adha ya kukatika umeme

Nguvuni kwa kuwaunguza midomo watoto wake

Mwanaharakati akimbia vitisho vya kuuawa

Hospitali yajipanga kuzalisha watoto kwa njia ya

Serikali yatakiwa kuwanyonga wauaji albino

Polisi watano kortini wizi wa Sh150 milioni

HABARI KUU

Polisi wapekua ofisi za Chadema, Lwakatare kufikishwa mahakamani leo

Posted 5 hours ago

Wakati Mkurugenzi wa Ulinzi na Usalama wa Chama cha Demokrasia na Maendeleo (Chadema), Wilfred Lwakatare anatarajiwa kufikishwa mahakamani leo, jana mchana ofisi za makao makuu ya chama hicho zilipekuliwa na polisi na kuondoka na nyaraka mbalimbali....

Toa Maoni

KITAIFA

Mtawa apigwa risasi, aporwa Sh20 mil

Posted 5 hours ago

Arusha. Watu wanaoaminika kuwa ni majambazi, wamemjeruhi kwa kumpiga risasi Mtawa wa Kanisa Katoliki, Jimbo Kuu la Arusha,...

Toa Maoni

KITAIFA

Manumba: Nilizinduka baada ya siku 42, sasa naendelea vizuri

Posted 4 hours ago

MwananchiJohannesburg. Mkurugen-zi wa Makosa ya Jinai (DCI), Robert Manumba amezung-umzia ugonjwa wake ambao ulisababisha...

Toa Maoni

KITAIFA

Utendaji wa Papa waendelea kuduwaza wengi

Posted 5 hours ago

Vatican City. Papa Francis ameadhimisha misa yake ya kwanza tangu alipochaguliwa kuwa kiongozi mkuu wa Kanisa Katoliki...

Toa Maoni

Siasa

Ubingwa wakoleza kasi Yanga

cheki nyoka

Bagamoyo. Ni mnyama hatari, mwenye sumu kali, anaogopwa, anaua, anaweza hata kukuachia ulemavu.

Hata hivyo Nobert Joseph Chenga, ameweza kucheza na kuishi na nyoka kwa miaka 34 sasa.

Siku hii, namkuta Chenga, maeneo ya Bagamoyo, akiwa katika moja ya kazi zake za kusaka na kufuga nyoka.

Alikuwa mchovu kwa sababu ya shughuli nzito ya kukamata nyoka kutoka mapori ya Miono, wilayani Bagamoyo.

Nilishuhudia nyoka wa aina mbalimbali wenye sumu wakiletwa katika mifuko maalumu.

mtaalam mwenyewe ameshika fimbo maalumu ya kuwasogeza au kukamata nyoka.

Wanapofika, mtaalam mkoba kwa ustadi kisha kuwaweka katika chumba, akitumia fimbo hiyo kuwasogeza mahali panapohitajika kukaa.

Wakati mwingine anawashika, kwa mikono lakini kwa namna ambayo nyoka hao hawawezi kuuma. Anawapanga katika vyumba alivyovipa majina kwa mfano; Black Mamba, Boom Slag. Green Mamba, Cobra, Msanga na African Venom.

Nyoka mmoja mweusi, niliyeambiwa anaitwa Black Mamba, akiwa na urefu wa zaidi ya futi tano, anaponyoka mikononi mwa , tukio mtaalam nitimue mbio. Si mimi tu niliyetimua mbio, bali hata wasaidizi wa Chenga waliokuwa eneo hilo walikimbia. Hii ni kutokana na mtaalam kuwa nyoka huyo akikuuma, huchukui dakika tano, kabla ya kubadili jina na kuitwa marehemu.

Ananionyesha alama kadhaa za kuumwa na nyoka, mikononi na miguuni mwake. Lakini bado anaishi nao, anawafuga na anaendelea kuwakamata ili wawe wengi zaidi.

Mapenzi na nyoka yalianza 19

utajiri nooooooooooooo

A man stunned the court when he revealed that having sex with his mother-in-law was the only way which could make him rich overnight and he had been trying his luck for than a year.

The man, Amos Mambali (38), said a traditional healer told him that getting in between the sheets with his mother-in-law would make him a lucky man and become rich.

Mambali's revelations came out when he was hauled before Binga magistrate facing domestic violence charges after he thoroughly bashed his wife for questioning him about rumours she had heard.

It is reported that the accused's wife, Orpah Mambali, on 2 March confronted her husband and told him that there were rumours in the village that he was having sex with his mother-in-law. Mambali was not happy with his wife's approach and told her that she should go and stay with those people saying 'bad things' about him.

A misunderstanding reportedly erupted between the two as the woman demanded explanations. Mambali started beating up his wife accusing her of taking rumours seriously and the woman later managed to escape and reported the matter to the police, leading to her husband's arrest.

When Mambali was in court, he poured out his heart and confirmed that he was spending most of his time at his mother-in-law's place because he wanted to be rich, but had not succeeded as yet. He further explained that a traditional healer told him that he was supposed to get rid of bad luck by having sex with the mother of his wife.

Nonetheless, the magistrate told him that he should work hard to get rich, not to expect miracles. Mambali was sentenced to 210 hours of community service at Siabuwa Primary School.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

mkosi juu ya mkosi

Jamaa mmoja alikua amekaa bar akaitazama bia yake kwa zaid ya dakika 20. Akatokea jamaa mmoja baunsa mtemi akaichukua akainywa yote ile bia

jamaa akaanza kulia hata hvo baunsa akamwambia

"usilie bana nilikua nakutania tu nitakununulia nyingine"

jamaa akajibu

"hilo sio tatizo ila leo ninamikosi tu, asubuhi kazini nimefukuzwa, baada ya kutoka nje nkakuta gari yangu imeibiwa nikaja zangu bar , nimenunua bia yangu na kuiweka sumu ili nijiue wewe tena umeinywa"

Friday, March 15, 2013

jinsi ya kumwambia mzazi kama umefeli

Baada ya matokeo ya pepa kutoka:

Baba Johnny: Johnny naskia results zimetoka?

Johnny: Daddy unakumbuka Patrick, yule alikuwa wa kwanza last year shule?? amefeli.

Baba Johnny: Wah!!! what happend?

Johnny: Unakumbuka Shiro pia? yule alikuwa ananifundisha maths?? amefeli pia

Baba Johnny: Ghai??? whats with her poor perfomance?

Johnny: Walai ata cjui..unakumbuka pia Chebet?? yule alikuwa anashinda science contest zote?? amefeli pia??

Baba Johnny: kweli?? Na yako ilikuaje?

Johnny: Unakumbuka hadi Headboy wetu?? amefeli pia

Baba Johnny: (akiwa amekasirika) Johnny!!! na wewe umepata nini??

Johnny: baba wewe nawe, kama hao wote wamefail sasa unaexpect nini???

SAMAHANI LAKINI .....Angalia herufi ya kwanza ya jina lako ili ujue tabia yako:-

A-mpole
B-mpenda haki
C-mcheshi
D-muongo sana
E-kicheche
F-mgomvi
G-mcha mungu
H-mchapa kazi
I-mgumu kuelewa
J-mvivu
K-mbishi
L-mtembezi
M-mwizi
N-mgombanishi
0-mtulivu
P-mjanja
Q-mwerevu
R-msaliti
S-mwenye mapenzi ya kwel
T-hana mapenz ya kweli
U-msafi
V-anapenda starehe
W-ana wivu
X-anapenda mapenzi
Y-ana vituko
Z-wa mwisho kwenye mambo yote.
bila shaka umefurahi kujua katabia kako,jipange.

prof and mbeba mizigo

Profesa mmoja wa chuo kikuu na rafiki yake mbeba mizigo waliamua kwenda mbali kutembea lakini hakukuwa na nyumba kwa hiyo wakalala ndani ya hema. Katikati ya usiku yule mbeba mizigo akamuasha rafiki yake profesa akamwambia: Angalia juu unaona nini na unatambua nini? Profesa akajibu: naona nyota na mwezi na natambua kwamba nyota ziko mbali zaidi na sayari yetu ya dunia ndo maana zinaonekana ndogo. Pia mwezi, jifunze kwamba mwezi huakisi mwanga wa jua na kuna sayari ambazo hazina mwezi. Lakini pia mambo kama haya ni mazito kuelewa na mbulula kama wewe ni ngumu zaidi ku-understand. Profesa alipomaliza akamuuliza mbeba mizigo: wewe unaona nini na unatambua nini? Mbeba mizigo akajibu: mimi naona nyota na anga na natambua kwamba hapa tulipo hema letu tayari limeibiwa na tumelazwa nje ya hema na ni porini, maana tulivyoingia ndani ya hema tulikuwa hatulioni anga, na hizo sauti za wanyama kwa mbali zinanitambulisha kwamba hatuko salama na inabidi tuanze kutafuta sehemu ya kujisitiri na jambo kama hili ni vigumu kwa wewe mbulula+ kuelewa.

Robo Fainali Ligi ya Mabingwa Ulaya

FC Bayern München Vs Juventus.
Paris Saint-Germain FC Vs FC Barcelona.
Real Madrid CF Vs Galatasaray AŞ.
Málaga CF Vs Borussia Dortmund.

Masanja Mkandamizaji

Jamaa fulani alikuwa anataka kuoa. Sasa siku ya mazoezi ya ndoa akamfuata mchungaji popompo akamwambia: mchungaji, laki 2 hii hapa, siku ya ndoa ikifika ile sehemu ya kusema "Je, unaahidi kukaa naye kwa shida na raha hadi kifo kiwatenganishe?" wewe iruke hiyo sehemu. Mchungaji akakubali. Basi siku ya ndoa ikafika. Ilipofikia ile sehemu mchungaji akasema; "Je, unaahidi kukaa naye kwa shida na raha na karaha zote na kumtumikia mkeo kama mtumwa na kumpenda na popote utakapopita ukikutana na wanawake wengine uwe unakimbia na kuwahi nyumbani na kuicha vikao vya mipira na mambo mengine hadi kifo kiwatenganishe?" Jamaa akakasirika, kabla ya kujibu akamnong'oneza mchungaji: Hivi mimi na wewe tulikubaliana nini? Mchungaji akaingiza mkono mfukoni akatoa laki 2 akampa jamaa halafu akamwambia: Samahani ila binti huyu alikuja akatoa laki 5.

5 Ailments That Can Be Cured By Sex

1. Stress
Need to relax? Look no further than the bedroom. In a Scottish study, men and women were placed in stressful situations and told to keep records of their sexual activity. People who had recorded having intercourse responded better to stress.
2. Sleeping Problems
Trouble hitting the hay? Forget counting sheep. Oxytocin, the endorphin released during orgasms, also promotes sleep.
3. High Blood Pressure
Researchers discovered that sexually active people have lower blood pressure when faced with stressful tasks.
4. Bad Mood
Not only does semen contain mood-elevating chemicals, such as endorphins and oxytocin, the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality found that sexually active people take fewer sick leaves and enjoy life more. Sex has also been shown to boost self-esteem.
5. Dull Skin
No need to apply extra bronzer. Turns out, the “sex glow” is real after all. Thanks to increased blood circulation, oxygenation of the blood, and a rush of endorphins post-orgasm, the effects of sex can do temporary wonders for your complexion.

Allergic Teen Dies After Eating Cookie

Robin Fitzpatrick never knew peanuts could kill her son.

Cameron Groezinger-Fitzpatrick, 19, a college freshman who suffered from a severe nut allergy, died last Friday after eating a cookie that contained peanut oil. His friend had sworn it didn't.
"We were all so shocked, it came out of nowhere," Fitzpatrick told ABCNews.com. "For 19 years, he had been knock-on-wood safe."
The Plymouth, Mass., native was first diagnosed with a nut allergy when he was 8, after projectile-vomiting "across the room" at a Chinese restaurant, his mother said. In high school he suffered from a serious allergic reaction after he dropped his asthma inhaler into a pile of acorns while running. The wild nuts caused his throat to constrict. But he was fine after getting prompt treatment, his mother said.
Then, one week ago, he ate half a cookie.
Spring break had just started and the international business major with plans to study abroad in Australia had only been home for two hours, on a visit from Rhode Island where he attended Bryant University, according to his mother.
He and his friend were out driving and bought cookies. Groezinger- Fitzpatrick's friend ate one first. The friend said he didn't taste any hint of peanut.
"He said, Ah, the hell with it, I'm sure it's fine," his friend recalled Groezinger- Fitzpatrick as saying, his mother said.
Within minutes the teen was home; it was about 6:30 that evening, and he was doubled over and turning black and blue, his mother said. "I can't breathe, I can't breathe," he had said. He hadn't unpacked yet so his mom couldn't find his Epi-Pen -- an epinephrine autoinjector. She had one in her cupboard but it had expired two months earlier. First responders told her over the phone that she shouldn't use it.
A fire chief who lived next door brought over an Epi-Pen, which was administered to the teen. (Later, his doctor told his mother she could have used the expired pen, but couldn't say whether it would have helped him.)
Once at the hospital, 15 people tag-teamed to perform CPR on the dying teen. For two hours, they tried to revive him.
"I was begging so much, these people were crying and working on him, thinking, 'We're only doing this for the mother,'" she said.
At 9 p.m., he was declared dead. Fitzpatrick stayed with her son's body until 1 a.m.
"I didn't know you can die from nut allergies. I feel foolish," she said.
At least three million American children suffer from a food or digestive allergy, and the problem is growing, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Between 1997 and 2007, the figure rose 18 percent.
Severe food allergies stem from a combination of genes, environment and possibly diet, said Dr. Kari Nadeau, associate professor of allergies and immunology at the Stanford University School of Medicine.
"We need more research to be done to help save lives," she said. "We don't have all the answers now."
As a small child, Groezinger-Fitzpatrick refused to nuts because their smell made him sick.
"It's almost like his body knew," said his mother.
Doctors later diagnosed him with an allergy to all nuts and told Groezinger- Fitzpatrick he could live a normal life. But he had to be very careful.
He wrote a bucket list at age 9. He carried an Epi-Pen. He checked food labels and questioned food service workers constantly.
But on Friday, there was no label. And his body didn't alert him to danger.
Now Groezinger-Fitzpatrick, who was on the dean's list at his college, won't be able to live in Australia with his girlfriend or work in finance.
He just might be able to cross off one of his bucket list items, though -- to save a life. He donated his organs.

"He always wanted to do something big," said his mother, as she prepared to attend his wake. More than 1,000 people were expected. "He's going out big. He's going to make others realize [they need to] be supercautious. Be your biggest advocate," she said.

see this

BBC World News

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